Archive for the Rules Category

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Posted in Rules with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2014 by Xander Woolf

15 Rules to Stay Alive

We’ve all heard the basic rules, right? Don’t have sex. Don’t ever say “I’ll be right back.” And definitely never, ever investigate a strange noise in the basement. Thanks to movie series like Scream, these rules are common knowledge. However, after hours upon hours of research, Winters and I have compiled our very own comprehensive and in-depth list of 15 easy rules to help you or a loved one survive in a horror movie situation. Enjoy.

Rule #1: Never Read Anything Out Loud

Absolutely anything can be an incantation to some long forgotten God or spirit, so always be careful when reading strange material. In the beginning of the movie Stay Alive, the group read the opening verse together out loud, which resurrected Elizabeth Bathory, the creepy vampire-like villain. In short, reading something out loud never leads to anything good.

Rule #2: Never Call Out; Keep your Mouth Shut

When you hear a strange noise, yelling out, “Hello?” is not going to keep you safe. You will not get a response. Instead, you’re putting a neon sign on your head that tells the killer, “Hey! I’m right here!” Also, breathe quietly. In a silent house, (s)he can hear you. I promise.

Rule #3: Never Investigate Noises (Alone)

If you hear a strange bump in the basement, leave it alone. Actually, I’d suggest you lock the basement door and leave the house immediately. Nothing good can come from a strange noise in the basement (or attic). However, if you absolutely must investigate, don’t go alone (reference Rule #4).

Rule #4: Always Stay Together; Buddy System

You’re less likely to be attacked when you’re with someone else. Also, you can help each other fend off an attack if one does happen. Common sense, right? You’d be surprised how many people go wandering off in the woods alone. Seriously. They’re just asking to be brutally murdered and stashed in a cave.

Rule #5: Never have Sex

Now don’t get all hot and bothered at this rule. I don’t mean “never have sex, ever.” Although, being a virgin will definitely rule in your favor. If you find yourself in a horror movie situation, you absolutely must resist the urge to satiate your base desires. The only thing having sex does is tell your killer that you care more about pleasure than saving your own life. Let’s get our priorities straight.

Rule #6: Never say “I’ll be right back” or “It’ll all be okay”

This rule is pretty self explanatory. Never, ever make a promise that you may not be able to keep. You won’t be right back and everything is definitely not going to be okay.

Rule #7: It’s Always Too Good to be True

You’re not safe just because the villain has gone quiet (reference Rule #8). You’re not going to get away just because you reached your car (reference Rule #10). Oh, and your love interest is more than likely going to be a double agent.

Rule #8: It is Not Dead if There is No Body

Just because you can no longer see or hear your villain does not mean it’s gone. Always confirm that the body is dead or else you’re going to have a not-so-pleasant surprise later on. Also, if you must, you can reference one of the rules from Zombieland: Double-tap.

Rule #9: Keep a Weapon on You at All Times

If you’re in a horror movie situation, grab the first item you can find that can be used as a weapon. You can always upgrade later, but you need to be able to defend yourself immediately. In Silent Hill, Rose not only neglects to grab a weapon, but also runs away from her gun-toting cop friend. Now, she survives and rescues her daughter, but she would have made out even better if she had obtained a knife or a sharp piece of metal earlier on in the movie. Also, don’t be like Rose and lose the weapon after you get one. Keep a tight grip on it. That could be the difference between life in death.

Rule #10: Always Check in the/Under the _____

Always always always check under the bed, in the backseat, in the closet, under the floorboards, under the stairs,.etc. Never leave a dark corner or small space unchecked. You don’t want any creepy surprises jumping out at you when you least expect it.

Rule #11: Never Keep Your Back to a Door or a Window

They will bust through and grab you. Then, you’re dead or captured and tortured. That’s on you. You have to know what’s around you (reference Rule #12)

Rule #12: Always Watch the Mirrors/Reflections

This can help you keep track of the space around you so that you can have a leg up on the killer.

Rule #13: Never Let the Lights Go Out

When the lights go out, bad things happen. Get a generator for your house; keep a flashlight with extra batteries in a few different hiding spots or on your person; install battery operated night lights around your house. Whatever you need to do to make sure the lights don’t go out, do it.

Rule #14: Never Fall Asleep

You will die or be kidnapped and tortured. You are vulnerable when you’re sleeping, which makes it easier to get you. So, stop it.

Rule #15: RUN

If you have a clear path out of there, take it. If you fall, get back up and run for your life. If you’re a slow runner, run faster. Do not take your time. GTFO.

Wolf Out

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